The Vegas Golden Knights won hockey’s coveted Stanley Cup on June 13, 2023.

The Vegas Golden Knights gave the Florida Panthers an old-fashioned ass-whooping, with a score of 9-3, clinching the championship series, four games to one.

As we are not a hockey person, that’s the story. Lots of other media outlets are covering the Knights’ victory in breathless detail.

Everything after this photo is going to be us making snarky jokes about hockey and sports, fair warning.

Our Vegas Golden Knights, chilling with Lord Stanley’s Mug, whoever that might be. Photo courtesy: Vegas Golden Knights.

Yes, Las Vegas is very excited about winning the Stanley Cup. By “Las Vegas,” of course, we mean people who live here. Tourists couldn’t care less. Which is the main reason we get irked when Strip Casinos put hockey jerseys on their statues. Clothing on statues is embarrassing, and such nonsense ruins the photos of visitors.

We also don’t think the Vegas Golden Knights should have a parade on the Las Vegas Strip. Tourists have suffered enough with the endless construction and road repaving related to Formula One.

The euphoria being exhibited by Las Vegas locals is complicated. The Knights were really the first big-time pro sports team in Las Vegas. They also gained momentum following the Oct. 1 shooting, sports enthusiasts claim the team brought the community together and is a symbol of the town’s resilience.

The Golden Knights also opened the floodgate for other professional sports teams to come to Las Vegas, including the Las Vegas Raiders.

We’ve always been baffled by sports enthusiasm. Watching sports is like watching porn. It’s sort of fun, but you’re not actually doing anything. You’re watching other people do things. Except people don’t walk around bragging about the fact their favorite porn star is the world’s best porn star. They don’t get vanity plates with their favorite porn star’s name on it or Tweet play-by-play reactions to whatever their favorite porn star is doing. Local businesses don’t give out free doughnuts or burgers when a porn star does something impressive. Yes, we have given this analogy way too much thought.

One of the funniest things about hockey is nobody watching a hockey match, either on TV or in most of the seats in the arena, can actually see the puck. They’re sort of taking cues from other people as to whether they should cheer or use obscenities.

Another funny thing about hockey is most of the players’ teeth look like Tony Robbins’ sounds.

It’s utterly confounding a sport featuring so much physical violence it is touted as being family-friendly.

A.I. sort of nailed it.

It’s also weird Las Vegas has become so emotionally invested in hockey when it’s not even in the top five most popular sports in the country (it’s sixth), and only four percent of Americans say it’s their favorite sport.

During a time of jubilation, it’s probably awkward to bring up how super Caucasian hockey is. While diversity is on everyone’s mind, apparently hockey has its fingers in its ears as it keeps loudly repeating, “La, la, la, la, la.” The percentage of black players in the NHL isn’t growing, it’s decreasing. The Knights had an enforcer named Ryan Reeves at one time, but he’s long gone. Anyway, nothing to see here!

The Vegas Golden Knights have been a massive success. And it’s considered a huge deal the team won the Stanley Cup in its sixth year of existence.

Many hockey teams apparently have not had a Stanley Cup, or even been in the finals, for decades (if at all). These NHL teams have never won a Stanley Cup, according to the Googles: Blue Jackets, Canucks, Coyotes, Jets, Kraken, Panthers, Predators, Sabres, Senators, Sharks, and Wild. It’s no wonder the Coyotes suck, as they are owned by a noted asshat who is fond of owning failing casinos and filing frivolous lawsuits, Alex Meruelo. Long story.

From what we can tell, the typical hockey fan’s life is filled with more crushing disappointment than a live performance by the Black Eyed Peas.

Las Vegas hasn’t experienced much disappointment with the Knights. They were in the Stanley Cup finals in their first season.

They were originally seen as rejects from other teams, although many resented the team’s success because they felt the deck was unfairly stacked in their favor because they benefited from changes to expansion draft rules.

As we said, we are not a hockey person. So we have no idea how the team got to where it is.

We do know Las Vegas was electric when the Vegas Golden Knights won the Stanley Cup.

The finals were lopsided. And the final score felt like overkill, but the decisive win cemented the fact our team deserved the Stanley Cup.

We didn’t see any brawls on the ice, so that was a switch.

We did see our team score when the Panthers didn’t have a goalie protecting their net, which is a little like being proud about Larry King asking for your hand in marriage.

Anyway, there was much revelry and no cars were flipped and nobody got shot after the big win, as far as we know. That’s because everything is better in Las Vegas. Looking at you, Denver.

At approximately the same time the Vegas Golden Knights were holding their cup, Nevada legislators passed a bill providing public support for an Oakland A’s move to Las Vegas. Don’t get us started.

The A’s drama is a great time to remember the Vegas Golden Knights asked for no public money, which will always make them winners in our book.

Big props to the Vegas Golden Knights for their Stanley Cup win. And far be it from us to begrudge the joy being experienced by Las Vegas locals as they celebrate their victory.

A parade for the Vegas Golden Knights is planned for Saturday, June 17, 2023. Details have yet to be announced, but we look forward to being somewhere else.

Go, puckball!